


サンシャイネ

by barduko



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: How Do I Tag, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I am sleepy, I don't even know anymore, In some chapters, M/M, Multi, a lot of fluff, and an attempt of suicide, and other groups, but there will be kinda, mentions of other members - Freeform, there's depression, this is cute but sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-18
Updated: 2018-04-14
Packaged: 2018-10-20 12:15:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 2,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10662375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/barduko/pseuds/barduko
Summary: Where Renjun just falls for his best friend and is really sad.





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> I don't even know how to start, I just hope you really enjoy this!! More chapter will eventually come...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story(fanfic?) will contain very short chapters, be warned!!

I’ve always been a happy person, I swear. But things change, I realized I was depressed when I was 15. I woke up every moment, in the restroom, and saw myself in the mirror and thought ‘ah, what an ugly face I have, I need to sleep more and stop kinda, existing’. That happened almost every morning but there were other days, in which days seemed bright until I came back home.

  
You see, my parents, whom I love but I feel like they don’t really care about me and maybe hate me, where quite strict and cold, and me being a sensitive person, I used to cry a lot as a kid. My parents didn't seem to appreciate that, at all. They would yell at me to stop being a crybaby and well, shout at me a lot saying mean things, which made me very quiet.

  
_So I stopped._

  
That made be distant and cold with both my parents and friends. That left me being all alone…and that hurt pretty badly. When I was 17, I realized I hated being alone but I noticed, _it was my fault being alone._


	2. 2

There is this kid I didn't realize was in my class, never once in half of my freshman year I had noticed him. It was probably thanks to me always looking at the window that I didn't notice him. I was staring out the window, thinking ‘It must be nice to be free, I wish I was free’, then I turned and saw him: his name is Jisung, Park Jisung. He is just younger than me by 1 month, I’m not completely sure though. 

I was walking as usual to the art club, which no one had a clue I was in, you know, because I was practically alone. That’s when I saw some kids blocking Jisung’s way, it seemed he was annoyed by it. I decided to tell the kids to back off.   
"Oh sorry, are we blocking your way?" One of them said in teasing tone.  
"Too bad"  
“You can-” I grabbed one of the kids’ shoulder.   
“Hey, stop bothering him and back off” I say and they looked at me with a raised eyebrow.   
“And what if we don’t?” The one in the middle said with a smirk. I grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and brought his face close to mine taking him by surprise.  
“Do not try me, I will harm you, badly” I simply replied with a serious face. And they knew I wasn't playing around. So they fled.   
I looked at Jisung, who was still in shock, and then continued my way to the art class. I think it was kinda, just a tidy bit cute how Jisung looked for a split of seconds at me, I swear I could see small twinkles in his eyes.

I think Jisung is a pretty cool guy, plus he’s kinda cute.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think? Oh yeah! I wanted to thank DaydreamingAtStarlight, who commented on the first chapter, the comment meant a lot, so thank you<3  
> My apologies if there are any grammar mistakes, english is not my first language.  
> I hope you enjoy the chapter if so, please let me know what you think!   
> See you all<3<3


	3. 3

I like soft colors, pastel colors to be exact. That’s why most of my paintings where very soft colors. I especially like blue pastel, it seems calm yet so sad at the same time. Now, I was painting my childhood friends, or what I remember of them. It has been…7 years? I think since I've last seen them or made any form of interaction with them. Their names were Jeno, Jaemin, and Mark. They used to be great friends, really! But I was the one who changed and pushed them away. 

Today was the day my grandfather had died, March the 12th. Jisung was coming with me to see his grave. None of my parents were going, they were too busy to notice and weren't really close to my grandfather. I was though, my grandfather was the most kind, gentle old man I had ever met. Even when I grew up distant, my grandfather was there, with me. I bought some white carnations. Jisung bought sunflowers. I was wearing an all black outfit: black boots, black jeans, black sweater and a black beanie which had a happy cloud, ironic, isn't it? We walked through the cemetery, until I spotted my grandfather’s grave.  
We did our bows and Jisung stayed a bit far under a tree, to give me privacy to talk alone with my grandfather. I told him how I missed him, about my parents, about Jisung who managed to get under my shell, about how I was always feeling sad and empty and about how I was depressed. Suddenly some 4 other guys appeared, 5 graves away from my grandfather’s. They seemed familiar. And it hit me: they were Jeno, Jaemin, Mark and a brown haired guy.

‘They’re probably here because of Jaemin’s grandmother, she was such a nice and gentle old woman’ And with that I waved to Jisung to tell him we could leave. Jisung nodded and walked over to me, Jisung took hold of my hand and we walked away. I made eye contact with Jaemin who seemed to be about to cry, that made me a bit soft. But I didn't look back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM BACK!


	4. 4

Tomorrow was Jisung’s birthday and i still couldn't figure what to give him as a gift, so I went to my last resource: my mother. I walked down and saw my mom getting her things ready, she had left two pieces of toast in a plate.

  
“Mom?”  
“What do you want Renjun?”  
“What would you gift someone who's your friend?” I ask cautiously.  
“Maybe something they like Renjun, I don't know why you're asking me this, I am in a hurry!” And with that she went like lighting.

  
I decided to gift Jisung some navy blue soft yet nice slippers and some notebooks since he liked to write.

Thank god Jisung loved his presents.


	5. 5

Today was my birthday, the 19th to be more clear. Jisung had been teasing me all day calling me “here comes my birthday boiii!”, which ended with me and Jisung laughing in the halls and earning stares. Laughing was something I hadn't done in a long time. That made me happy. 

 

We were at the cafeteria eating, when suddenly my phone rang. _‘Mother’_ was displayed on the screen, I raised an eyebrow and looked at Jisung who just shrugged his shoulders. 

 

“Hello?” 

“Renjun, hello son, happy birthday” 

“Thank you mother, but…is there a reason why you're calling me?” 

“Yes, do you remember those Mark, Jeno and Jaemin?” 

“I think so, I'm not entirely sure” I answered with an raised eyebrow. I heard other voices besides my mom’s, was she with someone else?

“Well, you see, since they are all in the same school, their school is planning a trip to here, Busan, and their mothers knew we where living in Busan, but the point is that I just wanted to call you to tell you they are staying at our house” My eyes widen. I wasn't ready to face those persons who abandoned me, or well, that I had in a way, pushed away. Not yet though, I looked at my food and stabbed the fork in it a bit harshly. 

“I have to go mother, lunch time is almost over, and thank you for telling me”

“Sure, see you” 

 

I hanged up and banged my head in the table. 

“Hyung?” Jisung’s voice chimed up. 

“Jisung-ah, are you busy today?” I ask as I sat up right again.

“Not really, why?” Jisung replied and ate some rice.

“Do you think I could sleep over at your house?” Jisung looked at me as if I had said a miracle. 

“YES” Jisung screamed bringing attention from the neighbor tables “I mean, yes, after school?” Jisung said with a blush making me smile. 

“Yeah”

After school had arrived and I had to tell my mom. I dialed my mother’s number.

 

“Hello?” 

“Mother” 

“Oh, hello Renjun, is there something you need?”

“Mother, I wondered if you minded I slept over at Jisung’s house?” 

“O-oh, uhm yes, that’s quite alright, are you coming for your clothes? and are you staying the weekend?” 

“Yes and yes” I answered 

“Alright, I’ll see you at home”

“Yes” I hanged up and grinned at Jisung, who jumped and hugged me.

We went to my home with our bicycles. We arrived and said our hello’s to my mother only since my father wasn't home then I walked up and packed my pajamas and some clothes for the weekend. After that I went downstairs.

“We’re leaving now mother” I said and bow. We both went to the door but the doorbell surprised us, I looked at Jisung with wide eyes and he did the same. I looked at my mother who signaled us to open the door. I gulped.

“Hyung put on your mouth mask!” Jisung whispered and we both put the mouth mask quickly. It was a weird thing we did whenever we got nervous plus as Jisung liked to put it _“we look cool hyung!”_

Then I opened the door and saw three guys whom I assumed were Mark, Jeno and Jaemin. They had changed, Mark had dyed is hair blonde, and they had all become very handsome. Me and Jisung bowed, and then bowed at my mother and walked out at last. 


	6. 6

It was Saturday and I still couldn't get over the fact that I saw my old best friends. Jisung suddenly wrapped his arms around me, shocking me. 

“Hyung, stop thinking about them, they're not worth it” And he was right, they weren't worth it but I was even less worth it. I turned to my side and let myself cuddle and to Jisung all afternoon.

 

Me and Jisung were planning to go out for dinner tonight. Mrs. and Mr. Park were really warm parents, they didn't care Jisung was bisexual and respected his decisions, very much unlike mine. I envied Jisung but then felt horrible about it because he was such an angel. 

“Are you ready boo?” I called out and laughed when I saw Jisung’s red face. I went over to him and squished his cheeks. 

“Hyung you’re so sappy” Jisung said and I laughed. 

“Only with you” I replied and we walked out. 

 

We walked through the streets looking for a stand to have dinner. Jisung being taller than me, putted his arm in my shoulders. We walked at least for 20 or 30 minutes until we found one. 

“Good evening” We both said to the old woman, elder man and a girl who were working in the small yet nice stand and sat down in a table.

“Did you understand the chemistry homework?” Suddenly Jisung asked me 

“Yeah, it was quite easy, do yo want me to explain to you when we go back?” I asked him and he made weird faces with his eyes, suddenly his eyes moved to my right, I looked over and quickly covered my face as if my head hurt. Fucking Mark, Jeno and Jaemin were sitting in a table in the right down corner. _Why god? Why?_

“What the actual hell?” I whispered to Jisung who retained his laugh. Suddenly the girl came to take our order. 

“What can I get you two?” She smiled. 

“I’ll have jjangmyeon and an orange soda, please” I said and made a small smile.

“I’ll kimchi and an orange soda too, please” Jisung said smiled at her. 

“Alright, they’ll be here with you in a while”

“Yes, thank you” 

“Hyung, it seems like bad luck follows you” I saw Jisung smile and his smile lighted up my mood, he had a really beautiful smile and very bright eyes. 

“Shhh boo, don’t expose me” I faked hurt and Jisung laughed. I lower down my cap when I felt gazes on us. 

After that we went back home and went straight to bed. I watched as Jisung’s chest went up and down calmly, and I realized. 

I had fallen in love with my best friend. 

But there was a problem…he wouldn't love someone as ugly and horrible as me.

 

_And that_ **_broke_ ** _my heart._


	7. 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I disappeared for a really long time. I had a lot of stuff to do and focus on, but today, I'll post a double update just to make you–my cinnamon rolls–happy :^)

The next weeks in ended with me waking up really early to avoid any type of interaction with my old best friends, I tried to ignore their stares in the small moments we saw each other. As i walked, i saw a little girl crying the park on my way to school. I walked up to her and squatted up to her height. 

 

“Hey, why are crying?” I asked softly and she looked up. 

“I-i’m lost and i can’t find my m-mommy” She sobbed and looked at me. 

“I can help you look for your mom, alright? so stop crying, you look prettier without those tears in your pretty face, okay?” I smiled at her and she smiled and dried her tears. She grabbed my hand and we spent at least 2 hours searching for her mom until we found her. Her mother cried and thanked me, she wanted to pay me but I refused and told her I needed to leave.

 

“And shoot, I just missed school” I muttered a bit annoyed and sat down in one of the benches. Suddenly my phone started to vibrate several times. 

**JIJI <3**

hYUNG? WHERE THE HELL ARE U?

 

**JIJI <3**

are you ignoring me?

I’m offended

 

**JIJI <3**

BUT SERIOUSLY WHERE ARE U?

YOU ARE GOING TO BE SUPER LATE

OMG DID U JUST MISS CLASS WHAT

 

I laughed and decided to answer once and for all.

**Me**

Hey, sorry, i was helping a lost kid

And it took me longer than expected.

tbh i stayed in the park where i found the kid

 

10 minutes passed until Jisung answered. 

**JIJI <3**

wHAT 

omg you’re so adorable lol

 

**Me**

Shhh

no need for anyone to know!

 

“But I need to know” A voice made me jump in surprise, I look behind me and see Jisung standing in the gate of the park. 

“What the hell boiii, did you just escape school?” I whispered-screamed at Jisung and he just went to hug me. 

 

And he just made it harder for me not to fall in love with him. **Fuck**. Why does this have to happen to me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How was your day been? Did you know tarantulas can live up to two years without food?? I'm shooked.


	8. 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The second part of the double update, yay!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is sad, be warned...

I woke up in middle of the night and decided to go out for a walk. Mostly because of nightmares. 

I putted on some sweat pants and a hoodie, then I head downstairs. I walk really quietly when I hear whispers coming from the kitchen. I peek and see Mark and Jeno, with their back’s facing me. 

“Was Renren always like this?” Jeno said with a sad tone. 

“I don’t know, he suddenly…changed, its like talking to a dead person” Mark said.

“Its like he's somehow horrible”

“I don-“ And that was all I needed to hear, just enough. 

I walked out the door quietly, they didn't notice, it didn't matter anyway. I mean, who’d notice anyway. I’m just a waste of space after all. 

 

I walked through the streets, alone with my thoughts. I looked at the starry sky and a tear slipped down my eye. I put my hand in my cheek surprised. I then crouch in the ground and curl, and sob. It hurt, it hurt like hell. I was starting to have this thought again _maybe i should just kill myself, no one would miss me anyway…right?_

Tears kept flowing from my eyes, like a damn river. I sobbed and sobbed until my tears wouldn't come out anymore. I checked the time in my phone, which I forgot I brought with me. _‘4:50 AM’. I felt dead._

I sigh and get up from the ground, I get the dust out of my clothes and start to walk back home. I walk back calmly, I start to dance while going back, even I couldn't believe I took dance classes without any of my parents knowing, including some other instruments. I spin and then go forward. I moved my arms in a wave like motion and do another spin. 

“What the hell am I doing at 4 in the morning?” I ask out loud and look at the sky. I close my eyes…sudden rain drops hit my face. I open my eyes and more rain drops hit my face. Rain. One of my favorite things ever. I smile and keep walking, even though I was getting soaked. 

I arrived the house at 5:20am, I opened the door and closed it quietly. I look around and see no one, but I was wrong. I was passing through the kitchen and saw Jaemin sitting there, drinking a glass of milk. Jaemin looked at me with wide eyes and I quickly looked away and went almost running upstairs. I locked myself in my room and panted. _That was close._

**Author's Note:**

> If you enjoyed it, please tell me what you think. I would appreciate that a lot! p.s: if you see this on asianfanfics, then that's me!


End file.
